Happy Birthday Anthony! I wuv you hot lips* Lauren's nickname for you*

So I hope i didn't dissapoint you today . i'm sorry i could've made it better by making you a card or something but i didn't really have time because ... well there's just no excuse... sorry! but i still want to let you know you're always in my mind... oh yeah and you and lauren are so taking pictures with me somehow got it!?

anthony i know exactly how you feel...

you feel like you can never do anything right...

neither can i ...

you feel like you never say the right things...

neither do i...

* i feel like everything is my fault .. and i convince myself of things that aren't true and i torture myself and the ones i love because of it. .. i get into stupid fights because of these things i believe.... but what if my assumptions are true? what if i'm not just insanely ill? i knowim a good person too. Being called shallow and needy has really taken a toll on my character.. i have re evaluated myself and come to realize those words are just words. My actions i have realized have proved those "just words" otherwise. I am not shallow and needy. Who are you to tell me that? yes you are dear to me and i want you honest opinion but think before you blast me with your truth. Your demanding, fatal, attacking truth. It breaks me down.  I can't get out. I can't escape. you're suppose to be my outlet but now you're my dead end. Help me. I've no where to run. Has it really come down to a drop of blood? Will that get your attention? My immense pain? Will that get you to listen? Didn't think so. NO it will take more . Much more. How about me walking the clouds? Do you realize the things you say take a toll on someone. At least someone like me. Yes i hate things.. But i also love things too.. YES i do things, but you do too. I criticize, i nag, i plead, but you do too. We all DO these THINGS. THINGS. ONLY THINGs. they don't make me who i am. Do you know who i am? DO you know my core? My core is beautiful . Your core is beautiful. I want to find each of them and combine them so we can adapt to what each of us means. ... What does each of us mean? If i don't get me... you won't get me... So just believe in me and encourage me that i am and will forever be a beautiful core. Because i know i tell you everyday. ONE MEASLEY SENTENCE CAN TURN MY OPINIONS AROUND. DO you not understand? of course not....

Yes people change... they CAN change... i've done it... maybe it's your turn...

listening to things unsaid,

hearing things unheard.

Failing to see what was always inside of me,

maybe you could understand if you knew every word.

It wasn't enough just those four days and four nights,

because already we have not found our path back to our original

sights.

*Falling softly,

you don't realize,

i might not make it,

you might think they're lies.

Don't push me aside,

the days are getting wide,

too long this is lasting,

no one will mind,

blending in the background,

blaming me for things that i didn't sound.

forget what i said it's not right...i guess...

you can never be wrong

let's just give it a rest.

i feel cold and hollow inside

thinking of if you even tried...*

The tide is high,

and i hear it calling to me,

or maybe that's you,

but frail is your voice,

don't know anything that's true...

it's your choice..it's always been your choice... never been reputed,stretched or denied...i've listened dearly now i'm done with this ride...

*

Running I had no where to go,

I thought with you I had a home.

Being wrong is part of life,

being deaf to only me

is something you have to

decide.

Fear of losing,

fear of flying,

fear of completely trusting,

then dying...

*

~I'm sorry... I don't want it this way.. Trust me and listen when i say, I want to stay but it's you're choice of course... I don't want to feel mean or for you to feel anymore remorse... Take me in and breathe me out because i don't want you to have doubt....I know you but you don't know me...it really isn't that hard to see...I'm not shallow, though i am fair, i give people chances, though you can't seem to see where. Trust that i'm caring , that i'm not all about need, I want you to think i did a good deed. I tried running but i guess i didn't escape from them... because now they're haunting me...This monster i've unleashed i thought would bring strength...but really it's only brought pain and sorrow... forgive me now for all i ask of you, is not to be changed at all, but to be trying before i fall... I want you to try... please really try..try with your heart and soul...

I can't stand the night ! i just can't. although i've been covered in it for so long? HOW LONG till i wait for someone to produce the light to save me? how long ? ? how long do I wait ... you have been saved... when. when when when when

jumping the stars is hard to do

taking the risks is hard to do

failing in glory is hard

hope

love

reasons

all things unseen unheard but many times felt

when will they be real

when when when when when